Sean, I was greatly impressed with the Yahoo videos describing the hiearchical levels of consciousness development but even more important was the video describing exactly what bipolar disorder actually is. I found it enlightening but also very disturbing. Recently a young woman of 24 (diagnosed as "bipolar") whom i have loved for nearly 7 years took her own life by jumping off the Mackinac bridge and looking at your video I recognize that there were things I've done wrong out of ignorance while trying to help her. I paid particular attention to the part about the construction of the false ego and how whenever failure or particular changes take place that challenge that false perception, a crisis can arise in the life of someone who is labled "Bipolar".
I also noticed the part about how a parent or society can place demands on a person that can lead to that crisis. Sometimes those demands can be overt like her mother having high expectations of her success, and perhaps even inadvertent expectations like what i had about her being in a relationship with me indefinitely. I later found out from her father that she really wanted to disassociate herself from me for whatever reasons but she wouldn't tell me. I helped her through one minor and one major emotional crisis and I tried to be emotionally supportive with no expectations on her except to be a close friend (and we even talked about marriage twice). The third crisis I really thought she was resolving as she seemed happier but then as before she was cutting herself off from me. In each case, she faced failure trying to be something her mother wanted rather than herself. Her mother always expected her to have goals and when this one goal failed I suspect she still pressured her to have an ambition. Even this one ass who lived in her house would say" What the hell do you want to do with your life"? I should have punched that ass. Brandi would just tell me, "I just want to be". She was even cutting me off when she said that. I have always been there for her and my love for her was even unconditional-truly it was. Lots of people say that but too often they're just empty words. I truly loved her and even told her it's okay to "Just be". Not a prob! I would say just relax and don't let anyone pressure you. Just be, I would say. And when she cancelled a date for the first time ever and after two months of short emails and reluctant phone conversations, i regret that my last conversation with her on the phone was: "But I dont understand. You won't see me during a time I have been most helpful for you".
And that was all I wanted. I just wanted to see her face so i could gage her state of mind and happiness and to have fun and let her just relax. But she knew I was nearly as sensitive as her and i could see through her. Her parents are convinced she was planning the suicide and she didn't want me to talk her out of it. Sean, the thing is, she wouldn't or couldn't open up with me like she used to. She used to bare her soul and I'm not sure why, but maybe she felt i have somehow broken a sacred trust? But I can't think why. She was such an old soul and she saw and heard things that were other worldly. She spoke about "Universal consciousness" and abhorred the traditional God image and she came from a family of staunch Christians. I told her that I didn't know if her visions were real or not, but i did tell her that she had a special gift and that with great sensitivity comes great sadness as well as great joy. I also said that it may be "real", but when you are thinking about suicide (in refeerence to an event in the past) that "real" gift becomes a real problem. I even once told her that if she ever took her life that it would destroy me.
I even said prior to this one failed job she had which led to her suicide, that if it didn't work out she shouldn't take it so seriously and just look at it as one of a thousand avenues she could take. Her mother, on the other hand, was her cheerleader: "You can do it!!!" Her mother loved her but she didn't understand the fragility of her daughter's psyche and neither where her pain was coming from. And neither did I really. Then i watched your video and asked myself, "Why couldn't i have found this BEFORE she did what she did"? I really believe this would have saved her life. She wouldn't have felt so alone recognizing that there's a definitive reason as to why she was feeling as she did. She was having a crisis of EGO and I realize that now. I could have been a much better support for her if i could have identified what exactly was going on with her. She never told me she was on antidepressants and neither did her mother. After her suicide i read about that and discovered these drugs actually increase depression in bipolar people.
All i can say Sean is that I did all that i knew how for what knowledge i had. I hate drugs and told her so and I said to her on a number of occasions that her "just being" is great and that she should relax and just wait for the sun to come over the horizon. Yes, I "enabled her (better than 'disabling' i always say) by validating her experiences thought of as "psychosis" by many in the medical field. I never doubted that what she was going through was real but i also told her that unless I have been there, i can't fully grasp what she experienced. But i also told her that I've had precognitive dreams and even left my body once so I have no problem believing her visions and voices. But again, i also said that if those things make you want to kill yourself, you MUST find a way to overcome it.
It then is no longer a friend. But you say to "embrace" it. And that may be the problem here. Perhaps i shouldn't have treated her mania as an enemy but rather as a "transition"- and a necessary one.
Sean, here's my question: Why did she take her life when everyone including myself was trying to be supportive? Even her mother was coming around in the end trying to understand her despite her drug blunder. Even her father reassured her just like me that her value lied in who she was and not in what she did. i tell you Sean, i LOVED her! Losing her has removed my heart and for the first time in my life I felt the same darkness she must have felt and considered taking my own life. Sean, May I ask, do you believe in an afterlife?
Do you believe that her experiences reflect a higher truth? Is her consciousness there? She even said in her suicide note that she found joy in knowing who she was and that all of life is dreams and she was going to merge with universal consciousness. I so hope that is the case. I so hope that she's alive and happy. A friend of mine said she showed up in a dream happy and hugged her-and this friend didn't even know who she was. But she was given a big hug (which she loved to give) and left her with the feeling she was supposed to communicate to me she was happy and safe.
Man, I so wish i could have directed her to your videos. Truly I believe she'd be alive if i did. Deep regrets!!!
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To Sean:
Sean, I was greatly impressed with the Yahoo videos describing the hiearchical levels of consciousness development but even more important was the video describing exactly what bipolar disorder actually is. I found it enlightening but also very disturbing. Recently a young woman of 24 (diagnosed as "bipolar") whom i have loved for nearly 7 years took her own life by jumping off the Mackinac bridge and looking at your video I recognize that there were things I've done wrong out of ignorance while trying to help her. I paid particular attention to the part about the construction of the false ego and how whenever failure or particular changes take place that challenge that false perception, a crisis can arise in the life of someone who is labled "Bipolar".
I also noticed the part about how a parent or society can place demands on a person that can lead to that crisis. Sometimes those demands can be overt like her mother having high expectations of her success, and perhaps even inadvertent expectations like what i had about her being in a relationship with me indefinitely. I later found out from her father that she really wanted to disassociate herself from me for whatever reasons but she wouldn't tell me. I helped her through one minor and one major emotional crisis and I tried to be emotionally supportive with no expectations on her except to be a close friend (and we even talked about marriage twice). The third crisis I really thought she was resolving as she seemed happier but then as before she was cutting herself off from me. In each case, she faced failure trying to be something her mother wanted rather than herself. Her mother always expected her to have goals and when this one goal failed I suspect she still pressured her to have an ambition. Even this one ass who lived in her house would say" What the hell do you want to do with your life"? I should have punched that ass. Brandi would just tell me, "I just want to be". She was even cutting me off when she said that. I have always been there for her and my love for her was even unconditional-truly it was. Lots of people say that but too often they're just empty words. I truly loved her and even told her it's okay to "Just be". Not a prob! I would say just relax and don't let anyone pressure you. Just be, I would say. And when she cancelled a date for the first time ever and after two months of short emails and reluctant phone conversations, i regret that my last conversation with her on the phone was: "But I dont understand. You won't see me during a time I have been most helpful for you".
And that was all I wanted. I just wanted to see her face so i could gage her state of mind and happiness and to have fun and let her just relax. But she knew I was nearly as sensitive as her and i could see through her. Her parents are convinced she was planning the suicide and she didn't want me to talk her out of it. Sean, the thing is, she wouldn't or couldn't open up with me like she used to. She used to bare her soul and I'm not sure why, but maybe she felt i have somehow broken a sacred trust? But I can't think why. She was such an old soul and she saw and heard things that were other worldly. She spoke about "Universal consciousness" and abhorred the traditional God image and she came from a family of staunch Christians. I told her that I didn't know if her visions were real or not, but i did tell her that she had a special gift and that with great sensitivity comes great sadness as well as great joy. I also said that it may be "real", but when you are thinking about suicide (in refeerence to an event in the past) that "real" gift becomes a real problem. I even once told her that if she ever took her life that it would destroy me.
I even said prior to this one failed job she had which led to her suicide, that if it didn't work out she shouldn't take it so seriously and just look at it as one of a thousand avenues she could take. Her mother, on the other hand, was her cheerleader: "You can do it!!!" Her mother loved her but she didn't understand the fragility of her daughter's psyche and neither where her pain was coming from. And neither did I really. Then i watched your video and asked myself, "Why couldn't i have found this BEFORE she did what she did"? I really believe this would have saved her life. She wouldn't have felt so alone recognizing that there's a definitive reason as to why she was feeling as she did. She was having a crisis of EGO and I realize that now. I could have been a much better support for her if i could have identified what exactly was going on with her. She never told me she was on antidepressants and neither did her mother. After her suicide i read about that and discovered these drugs actually increase depression in bipolar people.
All i can say Sean is that I did all that i knew how for what knowledge i had. I hate drugs and told her so and I said to her on a number of occasions that her "just being" is great and that she should relax and just wait for the sun to come over the horizon. Yes, I "enabled her (better than 'disabling' i always say) by validating her experiences thought of as "psychosis" by many in the medical field. I never doubted that what she was going through was real but i also told her that unless I have been there, i can't fully grasp what she experienced. But i also told her that I've had precognitive dreams and even left my body once so I have no problem believing her visions and voices. But again, i also said that if those things make you want to kill yourself, you MUST find a way to overcome it.
It then is no longer a friend. But you say to "embrace" it. And that may be the problem here. Perhaps i shouldn't have treated her mania as an enemy but rather as a "transition"- and a necessary one.
Sean, here's my question: Why did she take her life when everyone including myself was trying to be supportive? Even her mother was coming around in the end trying to understand her despite her drug blunder. Even her father reassured her just like me that her value lied in who she was and not in what she did. i tell you Sean, i LOVED her! Losing her has removed my heart and for the first time in my life I felt the same darkness she must have felt and considered taking my own life. Sean, May I ask, do you believe in an afterlife?
Do you believe that her experiences reflect a higher truth? Is her consciousness there? She even said in her suicide note that she found joy in knowing who she was and that all of life is dreams and she was going to merge with universal consciousness. I so hope that is the case. I so hope that she's alive and happy. A friend of mine said she showed up in a dream happy and hugged her-and this friend didn't even know who she was. But she was given a big hug (which she loved to give) and left her with the feeling she was supposed to communicate to me she was happy and safe.
Man, I so wish i could have directed her to your videos. Truly I believe she'd be alive if i did. Deep regrets!!!
Thanks for reading,
Jerry